Things No One Told Us About the First Month of Parenthod

1.  You need more of everything - space, diapers, pacifiers, blankets, towels, wash clothes, clothes, time. Think of something that you need, want or do, and just add more. And you definitely need more diaper rash cream.

2. Everything smells like poop, or wipes, which are used mostly for poop so the smell of wipes starts to remind you of poop. Even your breath smells like poop. The laundry detergent smells like poop. That smell of home when you walk into your house after being gone for a while - it's poop now.

3. You are always tired. When you get that tired, your body scarifies some part of your normal self to stay awake. For me, it is niceness. For Pres, it's listening/paying attention to words.

4. When you're pregnant, all the books remind you that you could wet your pants when you sneeze. If you're breast feeding, no one tells you that not only could you wet your pants when you sneeze, but you can also shoot laser beams of breast milk out of your nipples.

5. You will forget to do the following things for yourself on a regular basis - eat, brush your teeth, bathe, return phone calls, make the coffee, wash your own clothes, change your own sheets and go outside.

6.  Everyone will want and tell you to take a nap, and although you really should take a nap, you really don't want to take a nap.

7. Babies poop a lot. All day long. All the time. Every 10 minutes maybe.

8. the following type of scenario occurs to you regularly and absolutely makes sense: You have to stick your index finger in your baby's mouth to break the suction if you are breast feeding. If you are wearing nail polish, your baby tastes nail polish. So you can't wear nail polish on your index fingers until you stop breast feeding and you should also cut down the nails on your index fingers to the nub so you don't scratch your baby's gums. So it's like the opposite of the cocaine fingernail.

9. People have told me the following: You look tired. You look like a zombie. the color in your cheeks is gone; you look like you are about to cry. (The following was said by strangers) Is this really your photo on your license? Hmm, it's funny how we get older. You're the third pregnant woman I've seen today, hope you don't have to carry that baby through the whole summer. Why did you have to have C Section? I'll watch your baby; you go on up to the counter with your husband to order lunch.

10. Everyone wants to tell you how to do things. But my friend Sarah and I believe that this actually starts when you get engaged and the projectile vomiting of unsolicited opinions just continues throughout the remainder of your life.

11. Spell check matters less.