Goldie Hawn did this to me.

Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, Kate Hudson and Sally Field walk into a bar... Well, really it was more of a corner booth in a Mexican restaurant in Aspen, Colorado. And that dude from the Black Crows was there too.

I was a freshman in high school and my favorite movie was Overboard, and Private Benjamin, and Death Becomes Her, THE FIRST WIVES CLUB (!!!) and and and Wild Cats, but not House Sitter.

Okay maybe House Sitter.

And then there was that movie with Kurt Russell driving the truck -Breakdown - that came out about that same time and OMG did I mention that this was GOLDIE HAWN?? Goldie, with the hair??

So I'm there with my family, and my high school boyfriend's family, and I'm steadfastly determined to get Goldie Hawn's autograph, and also say something really cool so she and Kate Hudson and and and Sally Field decide that maybe I'm someone they'd like to invite to a pedicure party.

When I finally get the lady balls to approach Goldie, because at this point in my mind we are on first name basis here, I find her in the entry way to the restaurant. You know, it's like a separate entry room with doors that close it off from the loud noise inside.

So I find her, and she has her back to me but I know it's her because she's wearing a mink coat inside (maybe I'm imagining the mink coat, but probably not) and I walk through those doors and they close behind me and the restaurant noises, the laughter at the bar, the waiter walking by with sizzling fajita meat, all gone now and it's just me and Goldie and one other lady in this little silent room.

And me and my lady balls hold up our napkin and pen and say, somewhat more softly than intended, "Can I have your autograph?"

Goldie, with the maybe mink and all that beautiful hair, she turns to face me. She is crying. Balling. Mascara is streaked down her face like mud in a dried up riverbed. She's holding a margarita.

Her friend scowls at me, fourteen year old me with the lady balls and the napkin and pen in my hands, and says, "What's wrong with you? Can't you see she's upset?"

Yes, yes I did see that now. And she was a mess, and most likely drunk, crying her face off in the entryway of a crowded restaurant with a woman who thought it was OKAY to yell at the youngest Goldie Hawn fan in the world. I was speechless. Mortified. Frozen, with big round frozen eyes and eyebrows at my hairline.

Goldie said," no, no, it's okay." She took my pen and my napkin. She signed her name. She handed my napkin back to me and I went back into the restaurant, folding into the sounds and the smells and the conversations at the tables I walked past and by the time I sat down at my own table, I realized that I probably wouldn't want to invite Goldie to a pedicure party, even with all that beautiful hair.